Latest Exploration: Successful Relationships

I attended a free event last night featuring author Keith Ferrazzi’s (“Never Eat Alone”) new book and #1 New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and Amazon bestseller, “Who’s Got Your Back.” While his focus is on business and creating “dramatic improvements in leadership, team cohesion, employee engagement, and morale,” I think this can –and should– be extrapolated beyond business to family, friendship, and every other aspect of human existence.

Toward the beginning of his 60-minute speech, he talked the 200+-member audience through a simple exercise of forming groups of 3 –preferably strangers–to spend 6 minutes in a discussion. The topic? Describe something specific from your childhood that affects who you are and how you operate today. Pretty deep. Open up, allow yourself to be vulnerable, he said. Candor is what strengthens and deepens relationships. Get used to it, if you want to have good ones. He said we were allowed to cry. Cry?? In 6 minutes, with strangers in a ballroom? The room buzzed for 6+ minutes, with an obvious feeling that no one was ready to stop talking.

Ferrazzi asked how the experience was. One woman said it was awkward at first, but as people exposed some fairly personal vulnerabilities, it got much easier, warmer. One man said it was like getting to know someone in 6 minutes in a way that usually takes 6 months. The mood of the entire room changed in 6 minutes and I admit I welled up slightly in telling my story – which turned out to be something I had never actually articulated to myself in my entire life in such a concise and meaningful way… despite the fact that I’ve since realized it governs nearly every choice I make.

Ferrazzi’s explanation for why this improves relationships? A common bond was formed almost instantly: we’re all human. When you connect on a level of human vulnerability, personal challenges, simply the experience of dealing with things in adulthood that linger from your childhood, you create a common bond of living in the human condition, and your relationship dynamic –even with a complete stranger– changes. “Change your relationships. Change your life,” he says.

Now, he’s not suggesting to use business colleagues as therapists, but rather to connect in a real and meaningful, honest way. Niceties and politeness can get in the way of moving forward – moving your career forward, moving meetings forward, moving company growth forward, etc. Be candid, and invite candor.

As humans, we need to connect and there is no greater proof than social media. Worldwide, people are reaching out to connect with people they knew in the past, people they want to know intimately in the future (eHarmony, Match.com, Chemistry.com) people they share common interests with, people they want to debate with on various topics. Facebook, Twitter, blogs, are all about sharing who you are and what you think with other people who you hope actually care, and will engage in sharing thoughts with you.

The author has since created Ferrazzi Greenlight, said to “(lead) the industry in strategic relationship management, bringing a fresh, conscious, and holistic perspective to success in the corporate world.”
Among the Greenlight Core Beliefs:
· Business is human.
· Relationships power growth.
· Successful relationships require: Accountability, Intimacy, Generosity, and Candor.

In this era of challenges and lack of certain things (financial, employment, health care, etc.), there is one thing in abundance, says Ferrazzi: people. Connect with them. Be candid, share the human experience, invite and offer feedback, invite and offer help. “Who’s Got Your Back” focuses in on the 3 people currently in your life with whom you can be utterly candid, and you know will be candid with you. Start there.

Nocturnal Pets vs. REM: All you ever need to know

1. Place vacuum cleaner outside bedroom door.
2. Run cord under door.
3. Attach cord to flip switch, and plug in.
4. Place flip switch under pillow.
5. When mid-night scratching, banging, chewing, or meowing ensues, reach under pillow, flip switch on and off.
6. Giggle yourself back to sweet slumber as felines scamper down hallway.
7. Repeat as necessary (won’t be long – they HATE this!)
Had I discovered this 10 years ago with the last one, I might look 5 years younger for all the lost sleep I could have saved. (See below: Latest Try: LiftSP Anti-wrinkle Serum)

"Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after." -Henry David Thoreau (sent from my rowboat, bait in hand)

Latest Buy: Nothing, if not with cash! At least until 2015…

So, according to financial expert Suze Orman, who predicted this recession back in October of 2007, things really aren’t going to turn around until 2015. Sounds depressing, but not if you focus on what I consider the most important point of her 5-Step Rescue Plan. I saw her on Oprah this week and was pretty shocked to see Ms. Orman literally on her knees, begging the audience and viewers to consider this, and if you really, really stop and think about this for more than 30 seconds, you will understand why: Look at what you HAVE, not what you HAD.

This is about empowerment, and no one can give that to you but yourself. Not a job, not money, not a spouse or partner, not even a good friend. It only comes from within and it’s about your attitude. Don’t think life is all about attitude? Think about someone you know whose attitude stinks, drives you crazy. Makes a difference, right? You might have thought at some point: “If only this person had a better attitude – s/he has so much potential, is so talented, or good looking, has so much going for her/him.” Now you can say it about yourself.

"If you continuously look in the rearview mirror while you're going forward, you're going to get in an accident. And the victim of that accident is going to be you," says Orman.

If you’re constantly feeling upset, lost, scared, regretful, victimized about your current situation, your lost job, your tanking 401k, your need to eat out less, the collection agencies calling, etc., you have put yourself into an attitude of weakness. Don’t get me wrong. Feelings are valid. Acknowledge them, thank them for stopping by, then choose strength. Seems impossible? Too hard? Start with one little step: start with GRATITUDE. (Oprah’s been singing this song for years and now, more than ever, we need to sing it, too!)

I say, wake up each day and immediately think of -or say OUT LOUD- 10 (or 20!) things you are grateful for. Be grateful for having clean water to take a shower in. A bed (or car, or tent) to have slept in. A sunny day. Your child’s unconditional love. Your ability to walk. The person you can call on the phone, just to whine (and then stop whining). The ability to exercise your body - which is always free. Having an Internet connection, which can take you anywhere in the world. Your vision. Having had a job that gave you skills and experience you can offer to new prospective employers. Then imagine your life without all these things. Could be a lot worse, right? You already have a lot of basic things covered, right?

If you think your life is too miserable to feel gratitude for anything, click here or here. If you don’t think there’s a way to recover from your disastrous situation, click here.

THIS IS NOT A SUGGESTION – it is the best gift you can possibly give to yourself. And it is FREE. Gratitude. For a million little things that make a gigantic difference in your everyday life. 10-20 things every morning; 10-20 before you go to sleep. Or even just 1. Sometimes even just one thing can make all the difference. Like the ability to feel grateful.

Suze’s other key steps (I’m paraphrasing):
1 – Live on half your household income. (Yes, you can!) Do it now and save the rest, so that if you HAVE to do it later, a) you will have learned how, and b) you’ll have some reserves to work with.
2 – Forget the old credit card rules. Don’t use them. Pay in cash. If you have a high balance, pay the minimum and keep any extra cash in reserve. Credit cards can slash or eliminate credit lines at any time.
3 – Get your stimulus due. If you were laid off between 9/1/08, through the end of 2009 and your company provides COBRA health insurance, for nine months you only have to pay 35% of the monthly premium. Also check the stimulus benefits for first-time home buyers and car buyers.
4 – Make your home affordable. Start here, to see what might work for your mortgage situation.